On 2024.09.01, I bore my testimony. Based upon handwritten notes used as a memory crutch, this reconstructs (imperfectly, but satisfactorily) that testimony. I usually avoid posting personal events, but as this ties closely with posts that have already gone live and others not yet completed, this will provide substantial insight and context for those topics.
For simplicity and to avoid excessive redundancy, there will be no self-quoting; this is stated as if transcribed (it wasn’t), with recollection guided by those same hand-written notes used throughout the testimony. Some footnotes include items from those notes that were planned to be used, but were most likely, unintentionally excluded. Additionally, the referenced handwritten notes include the idea that there are three general categories of transgression that the atonement covers. This wasn’t included, or at very least wasn’t elaborated. That is good. It is now obvious that it was incomplete and will be fodder for a future post.
Shortly before the meeting I asked Brother Gomez what the theme of the meeting would be. In my notes here, I can show you that I have been thinking about repentance for a while now.
I will open and close my testimony by acknowledging my gratitude and love for my Savior and Redeemer and for His grace and kindness, without Whom all would be lost1in everlasting darkness.
As a consequence of my desire to advance to the “D league,” I was given and opportunity to travel through a descent/ascent cycle, likened unto baptism, that I might be born again as a new creature. The depth was greater than anything I have ever experienced. Not just did I lose the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, I lost all companionship with the Holy Ghost.2One could choke on the darkness.
When I had lost all hope, when I had prayed every combination of “oh wretched man than I am,” and “where is the pavilion of Thy hiding place,” and “woe is me, for I am a man of unclean lips and dwell among a people of unclean lips,” and pondered the damnation that Alma the younger — of whom we have just heard testimony — felt as a consequence of his sins, I, like Job, was not about to “curse God and die,” but I did “curse the day I was born.” Though I make no equivalence, I even dared ask, “why has though forsaken me?”
Externally, I continued to do all the same, good things I have always attempted to do. But internally, I was lost. God blessed me with a mere wisp of comprehension of what damnation3and the 2nd death was like, while still fully comprehending that only those who receive that judgement can know in fullness. In prayer I voiced that I was spent, and that my reservoir was empty, completely4and absolutely drained. I had nothing left to give.
In the midst of this5It would have been more correct to state that to end this pathos., the Spirit whispered only two words: “Be kind.”
Based upon the Sermon at the Mount and the Sermon at Bountiful, I presume this to mean: be kind to all people at all times and in all places, in deed, in word, and in thought. This includes enemies — those that hate us; there should be no judgement6or perhaps better stated condemnation; be kind to all; no excuses.
The missionaries teach about the steps of repentance, including recognition and restitution. Perhaps you know the story of the rabbi who instructs an offender to take a feather pillow and dump it out the window and then attempt to collect those same feathers now blown about by the wind. Impossible.
Today I would like to ask you to act vicariously in behalf of the 1,000’s of individuals that I have acted unkindly towards, and the 10’s of 1,000’s that I have spoken unkindly about. And then there are the 100’s of 1,000’s of times I have thought unkindly of others.
I was raised to be passive aggressive, to backbite. From scripture we learn that if we have aught against our brother, we should leave our offering on the alter (nodding towards the sacrament table) and first reconcile with our brother. I knew better. I excused myself7after all, it’s not like anyone (excepting my wife) had ever come to me to reconcile. We live and breathe in this narcissistic soup.8Where can we even find an example of this kind of righteous behavior? Hint. 🙂 Backbiting is our way of life.
Were it appropriate, I would come to each of you acting in your vicarious role and kneel before you and beg for your forgiveness.9I do not believe that I directly used the word confession, but I certainly implied it here.
Of course, forgiveness comes with contingencies, like never repeating the sin. Beyond this, in attempt to fulfill the requirements of my repentance, I am also instructed to study the topic of repentance more deeply. I negotiated with the Lord that I might start by first studying faith more deeply. If any of you have interest and time, you are invited to join me studying that scripture we call Lectures on Faith, including those other scriptures referenced therein.
I then concluded by again expressing gratitude for the Savior.
Footnotes:
- 1in everlasting darkness
- 2One could choke on the darkness.
- 3and the 2nd death
- 4and absolutely
- 5It would have been more correct to state that to end this pathos.
- 6or perhaps better stated condemnation
- 7after all, it’s not like anyone (excepting my wife) had ever come to me to reconcile
- 8Where can we even find an example of this kind of righteous behavior? Hint. 🙂
- 9I do not believe that I directly used the word confession, but I certainly implied it here.